The Biggest Embarrassment in English Football History Since Losing to Iceland 3 Months Ago

In a shocking development, English football has been rocked by the revelation that a guy named Big Sam with a history of shady financial dealings has been implicated in a scandal concerning shady financial dealings. Sam “Hoof It, You Cunt” Allardyce has been filmed by undercover reporters explaining how he can help them get around certain footballing rules and regulations for profit. Allardyce has now resigned from his post as England manager, leaving the team in complete disarray and shrouded in controversy, an unusual situation for England as usually they have a manger in charge.

Allardyce’s reign will be remembered fondly for that game where he won against some country and someone scored a goal. The Chilean miners were underground for longer than he was in manager so we may never know what kind of bright new era of footballing splendour Sam “Put Your Fuckin Laces Through It” Allardyce may have ushered in. Surprisingly, going to an unsecure location to talk with unknown clients about how to get around football rules for financial gain is only the second worst decision an England manager has made this year behind Roy putting Harry Kane on corners.

Thankfully we have respected institutions of integrity like the Telegraph that root out corruption wherever it may be. And if they can’t find any, they’ll just create the corruption themselves, print it in their newspapers and withhold information until they feel they can maximize revenue streams over a 10 week financial quarter. Truly, we do not deserve such noble scribes. Sam “What the Fuck is Tiki-Taka?” Allardyce never stood a chance as soon as the footage was released, the trial-by-media and public outcry over a situation nobody really understands (but it looks shady so let’s go mental) brought his empire of long balls, “Sambition” and XXL tracksuits crumbling down. The real loser in this may be Sunderland, who lost their manager in the middle of pre-season, replaced him with David “Huh?” Moyes, may well finally get relegated, and all over a £400k bribe that doesn’t even actually exist.

The question now is who will replace Sam, and who else may be implicated in the scandal? Gareth Southgate seems the logical choice, as it would continue the preferred England manager life cycle of initial early scepticism, followed by increased optimism after qualifying for a major tournament, followed by raging blood lust when they finish third in the group behind Colombia and Ivory Coast. Alan Pardew is another candidate, and is already attending dance classes in preparation for his celebration when they go 1-0 up against Germany before losing 1-4 due to a referring error and the fact the Germans are physically, tactically and mentally superior.

The Telegraph alleges they have information on 8 other managers in English football and will be drip feeding information over the next few weeks. Who else will fall in this Game of Thrones of Two Halves? The usual suspects spring up in pub conversations around the country, like Tony Pulis with his history of transfer bungs and third party ownership, Ole Gunnar Solkjaer’s bizarre financial dealings at Cardiff involving Norwegian players, and everyone’s favourite physical manifestation of greed crossed with a side of boiled bacon, Harry Redknapp.

Although despite this, rumours of sophisticated continental networks and Swiss bank accounts muddle things slightly, we all know most English managers would just stick £100k in the Yorkshire Building Society because their mam had an account there for years and the girl at the front desk is nice. It is amazing considering the strict policing and monitoring of football by governing bodies that people get away with such things. It’s almost as if corruption runs right through the core of the game from the tracksuit manager on the touchline to the executives in charge of the entire sport. At least we know one thing, the most important parts of football are clean. The players and the fans. And isn’t that all that really matters? Now let’s all relax and watch our favourite stars who never get tired have never failed a drugs test try to play football while fans hold a white supremacist demonstration outside the grounds during this week’s Champion’s League action, sponsored by Gazpro

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