Football · Manchester United · Premier League

Schweinsteiger, Mkhitaryan, Schneiderlin: United’s Midfield Disaster


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Manchester United’s midfield is a disaster. No creativity, poorly balanced and despite spending millions their best DM is still a 30 year old Michael Carrick. Oh hang on, that’s a headline from 2011. Let’s bring up the up-to-date 2016 version.

Manchester United’s midfield is a disaster. No creativity, poorly balanced and despite spending millions their best DM is still a 36 year old Michael Carrick.

In the Super Premier League Money Bukkake Era ™ Manchester United have brought in several high profile, high-cost players to boost their midfield. Chief amongst them: Bastian Schweinsteiger, Henrik Mkhitaryan and Morgan Schneiderlin. Their purpose: to instill fear in the opposition and revitalize an area of the park which had been on a decline since long before Fergie hung up his wristwatch. They were the marquee acquisitions which many believed would plug the gaping, waxed hole in United’s team. So what happened?

Schweinsteiger seems to have been some sort of shady deal you find on the German Amazon site. The price of that laptop seems great and the specifications are exactly what you’re looking for. You order it only to find once it arrives that it’s not a laptop, it’s a rapidly deteriorating Bavarian with no cartilage in his knees.  Spare a thought for the poor bloke who has always maintained high spirits despite the harsh treatment from managers. Or at least, has maintained a high spirited Instagram page, quite possibly masking the internal agony and shame he feels every day. At least rumours that Mourinho has banished him from even training with the reserves training turned out to be incorrect.

Mourinho Bastian you’re banned from training from reserves

Schweinsteiger That’s Bad

Mourinho Which means you get to train with the first team

Schweinsteiger That’s Good

Mourinho The first team is cursed

Schweinsteiger That’s Bad

Mourinho But – first team players get free frogurt

Schweinsteiger That’s Good

Mourinho The frogurt is also cursed

Schweinsteiger That’s Bad

Mourinho But you get your choice of topping

Schweinsteiger That’s Good

Mourinho The toppings contain potassium benzoate

Schweinsteiger: erm…

Mourinho That’s Bad

Schweinsteiger Can I go now?


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Meanwhile, Mkhitaryan has also found himself outcast, not even making the bench for the league cup game midweek. As we discuss in our most recent Podcast, Mourinho’s reasoning for not giving the £35m creative attacking midfielder a game for a team sorely lacking in… everything… a game is because he is not match fit. Despite the fact the only way he can get match fitness… is by… y’know… oh it’s too depressing. And Dortmund won’t even take the poor sod back. They took Gotze back, but not him. It’s like the snake being allowed into the garden of Eden, but not Eve.

And what of Morgan Schneiderlin? Well, he gave up a chance at iconic status at Southamption, having played with them hundreds of times all the way up lower leagues and being their key player during the ascent to Premier League promised land to chat to Phil Jones on the bench about the latest episode of Narcos. Playing football is overrated anyway.

Despite all this, Manchester United have spent millions of pounds on midfielders that actually do play. Ander Herrera cost a measly £30m and sometimes his passing statistics and inability to tackle are truly reminiscent of a young, slightly shite Paul Scholes. Fellaini was the big name signing under David Moyes and he plays almost every game. Somehow. Like… I mean… how? HOW? Juan Mata, Angel Di Maria and Anderson. Well they had some good moments. A few goals. Some assists. And it only cost the production budget of Terminator 2. At least they have the world’s most expensive player, Paul Pogba. Who has currently contributed 1 goal and zero assists after 10 games. But at least he has great social media hashtags. You know what, maybe Michael Carrick isn’t such a bad option after all…

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